Marriage is often seen as a union of two families—a blending of traditions, backgrounds, and sometimes conflicting expectations. But this perspective can cloud a fundamental truth: when you marry, you are not simply joining an existing family—you’re creating a new one. This distinction is more than semantics; it has profound implications for the way couples view their relationship, establish boundaries, and navigate family dynamics.
A Biblical Perspective: Leaving and Cleaving
The foundation for this concept is rooted in Scripture. In Genesis 2:24, it states: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This passage introduces the principle of “leaving and cleaving.” It doesn’t suggest abandonment of familial relationships, but it underscores a significant shift in priorities. The relationship between husband and wife now takes precedence, forming a new family unit.
The phrase “leave and cleave” is echoed again in Matthew 19:5 and Ephesians 5:31, reinforcing its importance. Ephesians 5:31–32 emphasizes that marriage is not just about joining families but symbolizes a profound mystery: “This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.” The imagery here is powerful—just as Christ’s relationship with the Church stands as a separate and unique entity, so too does the relationship between husband and wife. It’s a covenant relationship that stands on its own, not merely as an extension of existing family ties.
The Role of Family in Biblical Context
The Bible is filled with examples of family dynamics influencing, but not defining, marriages. Consider the story of Abraham and Sarah (Genesis 12-23). When God called Abraham, He told him to leave his country, his people, and his father’s household (Genesis 12:1). Abraham’s calling was not to bring Sarah into his father’s household but to create a new family that would be the beginning of a great nation (Genesis 12:2).
Similarly, in the story of Ruth and Boaz, we see the formation of a new family that stands apart from previous ties. Ruth’s commitment to Naomi, and later to Boaz, was based on the recognition that she was forming a new chapter, a new identity, distinct from the one she had in Moab. “Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God” (Ruth 1:16). This declaration signified not just a change in location or family ties but a complete reorientation of purpose and belonging.
Marriage as a Covenant: A New Beginning
The biblical view of marriage as a covenantal relationship is key to understanding why marriage is more about creating a new family rather than joining an existing one. The marriage covenant, illustrated vividly in Malachi 2:14, is described as a binding agreement that supersedes previous familial ties. Malachi calls marriage a “covenant of companionship,” highlighting its distinct nature from the covenantal bonds of parental or sibling relationships.
Even the nature of God’s covenant with His people throughout the Old and New Testaments emphasizes separation and establishment of a new identity. When God entered into covenant with Abraham, He set him apart from his father’s house to establish a new people. When Israel became God’s covenant people, they were set apart from other nations. In the same way, marriage sets the couple apart as a new entity.
The Commandment to Honor Parents: A Balancing Act
One might wonder how this teaching aligns with the biblical commandment to honor one’s father and mother (Exodus 20:12). Honoring parents remains a critical aspect of a Christian’s life, but it does not negate the need to establish a new family. Jesus addressed this issue directly in Matthew 10:37, stating: “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me.” He wasn’t diminishing the role of parents, but rather putting the focus on the hierarchy of relationships. In marriage, your primary loyalty and focus must shift to your spouse.
This prioritization is reflected in 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, where Paul discusses the duties of a married person. He explains that a married man is concerned about pleasing his wife, and a married woman is concerned about pleasing her husband, not their parents or previous families. Their responsibilities and focus are redefined by their new roles as spouses.
The Consequences of Not Establishing Boundaries
Failure to understand this principle can lead to significant marital issues. When couples view themselves as part of their extended families rather than a separate unit, confusion and tension often arise. This is evident in several biblical accounts. Consider Jacob, Rachel, and Leah’s story in Genesis 29-30. Jacob’s failure to establish clear boundaries between his wives and his extended family created a household rife with competition, jealousy, and conflict.
Similarly, the narrative of King Solomon, whose marriage alliances brought in foreign influences that disrupted his kingdom (1 Kings 11:1-4), serves as a cautionary tale. His failure to prioritize the sanctity of his own family led to divided loyalties and, ultimately, the spiritual decline of Israel.
The New Testament provides additional insight through the marriage of Priscilla and Aquila, who are mentioned six times in the New Testament as a team working together (Acts 18, Romans 16:3-5, 1 Corinthians 16:19, and 2 Timothy 4:19). Despite their deep involvement in the early Church and relationships with many other believers, they maintained a strong, unified identity as a married couple, leading a new, separate family in service to God.
Creating a New Family: Practical Steps
Understanding the biblical foundation for marriage as the creation of a new family is essential, but how does one live it out practically? Here are a few steps based on scriptural principles:
- Communicate a Unified Vision
In Amos 3:3, we’re reminded that “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” Establishing a unified vision as a couple—separate from the expectations of parents or in-laws—is essential. This means discussing your values, priorities, and plans, and ensuring you both agree on the direction of your new family. - Set Healthy Boundaries with Extended Family
Proverbs 25:17 advises, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house—too much of you, and they will hate you.” While this proverb speaks to neighbors, the wisdom applies to all relationships, including with in-laws. Setting healthy boundaries is not about distancing but defining how much influence others will have on your marriage. - Prioritize Your Spouse’s Needs
Philippians 2:4 encourages us to look out for the interests of others. This principle applies doubly within marriage. In every decision, ensure that the needs of your spouse take precedence over the desires of extended family members. - Develop Your Own Traditions
In Deuteronomy 6:6-7, God commands the Israelites to “teach [these commandments] diligently to your children” and to speak of them in their homes. Establishing your own family traditions and spiritual practices strengthens your identity as a couple and, later, as parents. It helps distinguish your new family unit from the families you each come from. - Reaffirm Your Commitment Regularly
Proverbs 24:3 states, “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established.” Marriage, like any structure, needs continual reinforcement. Regularly affirm your commitment to one another and revisit your shared goals and priorities. This helps solidify your identity as a new family unit.
Conclusion: Building a Family, Not Joining One
Marriage, according to biblical teaching, is more than the union of two individuals—it’s the formation of a new family unit. The “leaving and cleaving” principle is foundational to establishing a marriage that prioritizes the husband and wife’s bond over previous family ties. This perspective doesn’t diminish the role of extended family but rather sets the stage for a healthier, more God-centered marriage. Embracing this truth allows couples to honor their families of origin while building a new legacy together—one that reflects their unique calling and commitment to one another under God’s guidance.